Holiday Hurt Served on the Menu

Tom turkey sits cooling on the buffet, Aunt Lucy’s homemade rolls stand at ready, and empty chairs wait like sentinels for their occupants to come to the table. This is what you have waited for! The exhilaration of finally taking off your apron and sitting down to enjoy your guests is about to be realized.

Then, slicing the atmosphere of thankful perfection, a well timed icy comment is served from the mouth of one individual—like grouchy Uncle Joe or prickly cousin Madge or jealous sibling Rog or the crowd’s angry teen. And, with crafted verbal precision, the message lands squarely on your ego.

Ouch! That hurt!

As the air goes out of the room, all eyes turn to you; what are you going to do? As hard as you tried to cover all the culinary bases, you failed to prepare for this spicy serving of words.

“Holidays are not for the faint of heart, and a plan for resilience needs to be in place right along with the menu.”

Holidays are not for the faint of heart, and a plan for resilience needs to be in place right along with the menu. Here are a few suggestions to deflect the delivery of the fiery dart:

• Let it go.

• Lay it down.

• Leave it behind.

• Don’t pick it up again.

This is the perfect scenario for living out the apostle Paul’s words from 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus,” especially at Thanksgiving. Your day is too important and your other guest are too precious to get bogged down in one sour opinion.

The recent series Button Pushers, Controlling Your Reactions During the Holidays from our pastor Chad Hovind at Horizon Community Church gives more runway for this prickly topic. Hopefully, you will find it helpful.

And, please know that I am abundantly thankful for you, dear reader!

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ

whom You have sent” (John 17:3).

When have you been in a holiday gathering and watched a verbal scene threaten to ruin the occasion?

What advice would you offer to help the hostess prepare for the unexpected, the unforeseen, and the unwanted?

Make Your Questions Count

Guest Post by Bob Tiede Bob's blog, LeadingWithQuestions.com is followed by leaders in over 190 countries.

Conversations and questions are a cornerstone of our daily interactions. Because of this, we should take stock of how our questions can reflect our personal values. Have you ever stopped to consider how questions can shape our emotions and perspectives?

Not all questions are created equal, and how we inquire can leave lasting impressions on how people feel during a conversation.

Questions Can That Can Corner

Think back to the questions you've asked just this week. Were there any moments that seemed to trap anyone in a corner? Questions have the power to inspire great productivity, but the reverse effect also exists.

Poorly thought-out questions stifle creativity and expression. Some questions make us feel restricted, even judged. They come with implied answers, and we often find ourselves responding with a simple "yes" or "no", leading to no action.

As your leadership skills sharpen, consider the motives behind your question. In suit, consider the implications your questions carry. We've all experienced moments when someone asks us a question that, while well-intentioned, leaves us feeling belittled or underestimated.

Take, for example, you're working on a challenging project, and a leader asks, "Did you manage to finish this all on your own?" This question implies doubt in your abilities and can make you feel like your expertise is being questioned, even if unintentionally.

To Get New Results, Ask New Questions

I recall hearing about a mother in pursuit of connection with her school-age children. Each day, the kids would come home from school and she'd ask, "How was your day?" Their response was simply, "Good."

The one-word answers never gave this mother a connection or sense of what was actually going on during her children's days. So, she pivoted her question.

Instead of asking, "How was your day?" the mother began saying, "Can you tell me about your day today?" Suddenly, her grade-school children were sharing stories about their classes, friendships, and experiences. This shows that how we ask our questions can impact the connections we make, the bonds we establish, and the trust we build.

“Empathy is the key to avoiding questions that belittle. ”

— Bob Tiede

Empathy in Communication

Empathy is the key to avoiding questions that belittle. When we put ourselves in others' shoes and consider how our words might be perceived, we can choose our questions more thoughtfully and foster more positive interactions.

Effective questions often aim to gain a deeper understanding of the other person's viewpoint or situation. When you approach your question-asking with empathy, you genuinely seek to comprehend others' thoughts, emotions, and motivations. This understanding is the foundation for finding common ground, resolving conflicts, and building lasting trust.

Instead of asking questions that inadvertently undermine someone's confidence, consider accessing empathetic phrasing.

Instead of undermining someone's achievements by suggesting you have disbelief in their abilities, celebrate their success. Share something like, "Great job on completing the task! Is there anything specific you'd like to discuss or any challenges you faced?" This question acknowledges accomplishment and opens the door for constructive feedback.

Ask Your Questions Carefully

By practicing empathy in our interactions, we create an environment where people feel heard, valued, and empowered to engage in meaningful discussions that lead to positive outcomes.

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ

whom You have sent” (John 17:3).

Consider Bob’s content. Think back to the questions you've asked just this week. Were there any moments that seemed to trap anyone in a corner?

If given the opportunity, how would you handle the situation differently?

About the author: Bob Tiede has been on the staff of Cru for 48 years. He currently serves on the U.S. Leadership Development Team and is passionate about seeing leaders grow and multiply their effectiveness. Bob and his wife, Sherry, live in Plano, TX, and are blessed with 4 incredible children and 6 remarkable grandchildren. You can reach Bob at bob.tiede@cru.org. For a copy of his newest book with Michael J Marquardt, Leading With Questions: How Leaders Discover Powerful Answers By Knowing How and What to Ask go to Amazon.com.

Let It Go!

Her words arrested my attention. When my beloved friend resurrected this quote, I paused and pondered its depth of meaning. Nestled within a gallery of autumnal photos, it stated: The Fall trees show us it can be beautiful to let things go.*

What musings command our attention?

• Letting go tugs at our heartstrings.

  Consider the mother who feels a bittersweet ache when her firstborn walks across the stage to accept a graduation diploma.

  Study the father as he kisses his daughter and turns to take his seat for the rest of the wedding ceremony.

  Gaze at the couple hugging their grandchildren and sending them with their parents down the jetway on a missionary assignment.

  Notice the friend as she clamps the lock on the U-Haul and waves to her bestie who is leaving to take a promotion across country.

• Letting go initiates change and leads into the process for what comes next.

  Release feels scary. In our attempt to maintain control, we cling, clutch, grip, and grasp. But letting go makes way for what’s next. And God’s supernatural resources for the future wait upon our decision to release.

  “Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10 GWT)

  “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)

• Letting go becomes an act of spiritual worship when we yield our lives to God so that He is free to accomplish His beautiful purposes in us and through us.

  “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.” (Romans 12:1)

A prayer of letting go: “Lord, I let go of my life, my dreams, my goals, my plans, my professional status, my expectations, my past, my hurts, my timing, and my personal agenda. I submit to you by saying, “Thy will be done.” Now, I want You to take my life and use it for Your glory and my good. I let go and say to You, “Anything, anytime, anywhere.”

• Letting go leads to beautiful.

  “Rather, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Living With Eternal Intentionality®

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ

whom You have sent” (John 17:3).

How have you experienced difficulty in letting things go?

At this moment, where is there a hesticancy to let go?

Consider going outdoors for a walk with God in the beauty of His nature. What other lessons do you learn about His imagery at this time of year?

*This anonymous quote comes in various expressions, and is not original with my friend.