Lessons Learned in the Empty Nest

My transition to the Empty Nest was as smooth as silk. Well, most of the time. Ah, perhaps I should say, “Some of the time.”  Full disclosure? Ok, not all of the time.

Two major surgeries and two children leaving simultaneously for university hurled Larry and me headlong into the Empty Nest. The Atlantic Ocean accentuated the distance between us our three young adults. We hung up from our weekly Sunday night phone calls and just stared at each other. Another long week would pass before we would hear their voices again. Lack of the internet and exorbitant international phone rates made communication painfully scarce. 

Back up:

Larry, being the visionary that he is, worked hard to prepare me for this life change. At 18 months out he began to say, “I am so thankful that in a year and a half, you will be traveling with me.” A year ahead he would say, “I am thrilled that you and I will share more and more of life together.” And even at 6 months he said, “I am so thankful that you will soon be packing a suitcase with me. I really don’t know if I could continue to do this alone.”

As a new comer to the Empty Nest, I allowed myself a year of transition. Larry's overtures beckoned me toward my life waiting around the corner, but simultaneously the daily reminders in Budapest stared me in the face. Our university students felt a lifetime away, indeed, part of a life gone by. As my friend Kathy Anderson so aptly stated,  “I felt I had the world’s best job, and suddenly I was unemployed.”

So, Debby found herself experiencing life on two levels. 

My lifetime mission to help fulfill the Great Commission pulsated within me, and participating God's Harvest was a privilege. Larry and I robustly traveled together throughout the 21 countries of Eastern Europe and Russia, and I relished the privilege to be with our 1,250 co-laborers. As Ambassador to Women, I embraced my job description with conviction and vigor. 

I declared,  “Our Empty Nest is really empty, because we are rarely in it!” 

But then we would come home. 

As soon as we collected our suitcases at baggage claim, and got in the car for the 45-minute ride home, my heart would start to sink like a descending elevator. When I walked in the front door, it felt more like a museum than like a home. I walked around an empty collection of memories and remembered. What now? Looking forward into a very different future, I was challenged. My head and my heart refused to be in sync.

"We need to drive a stake and move forward."

This pattern continued for an entire year. Then, at the one-year mark, Larry and I went on a marriage retreat. In the quietness of a Hungarian hotel room, Larry articulated the obvious: this is now the way it is. This is life. In honesty wrapped with kindness he said, “Debby, we need to drive a stake and move forward. If you and I do not accept this new phase of life with joy, one of us could make the mistake of communicating to the other that we are discontent with each other.”

Ooooo. What do you do with that? Well, I accepted his message, spoken and unspoken, and before God in prayer, we drove the stake.  

With that decision, as a couple, we turned the corner. We set out to embrace God’s new future for us - new opportunities, new togetherness - together. 

My activities did not change, but my outlook did. The ride home from the airport became more peaceful; the entry into the house became more welcoming. My enthusiasm for our future was bright and healthy. I still looked forward to phone calls and visits, but my heart and emotions did not crumble when the receiver was placed back on the cradle or the last wave faded through airport security.

I am thankful for that year of transition, but it needed to end. My life was not over, but my life stood at a point of pivot. God and Larry were asking me to make the pivot.

Points that helped the pivot:

I listened to Larry.                                                                                                                               I looked ahead to what God had planned for me.
I took my time in transition.
I allowed the past to be a precious memory but not a sacred cow.
I launched into one of the absolute best seasons of my life.

So, I offer my suggestion: 

Customize your Empty Nest experience to your pace and your personality.

Some of my friends encountered no adjustment at all. Others needed a much slower passage. But I urge you: make the transition. Your life and your marriage depend upon it. And as you are adjusting, remember what is true:

Empty Nest is not empty life.
Empty Nest is not empty heart.
Empty Nest is not empty head.

The Bible has the Bottom Line:                                                                                                        Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) Life changes, He does not. Lean into Him and let Him lead the way. Goodness and mercy will follow.

A woman of God smiles at the future. (Proverbs 31:25 NASB). March confidently ahead into the life that God has for you. Embrace His new future for you, as a person and as a spouse!

  
Question: What is your experience with the Empty Nest, assuming you are there? If you are not in this season of life, my guess is that someone close to you is. How can you be an encouragement to her?

Prayer Request: Tea Set

Ah ha! As we settled into life in our new nation, it soon became obvious that a Tea Set was an essential component in the Polish culture. The warm, hospitable Poles were always prepared to serve hot tea accompanied by a tasty dessert. Even when nationwide rationing made serving a full meal challenging, hospitality still flourished with endless cups of strong, hot tea.

A Tea Set consisted of a teapot, a cream pitcher, a sugar dish, and dessert plates. The cream pitcher was rarely used, since sliced lemons, not milk, were added to the robust drink, that is, if lemons were available in the store.

Entering into the culture meant owning a Tea Set. But finding one became a challenge. 

Under normal conditions one would simply go to the store and purchase a Tea Set. Normal conditions. But these were not normal conditions. In the Communist economy of the 1970's, supply and demand were at odds with each other. The entire nation was strangled by shortages. Essentials for life were scarce, and comforts I took for granted were rationed. Coffee, meat, automobiles, apartments, and toilet paper were on that list. 

I knew exactly what I wanted. My heart was set on the style was known as Opole dishes, and were produced in a single factory in the entire country. These white porcelain dishes displayed a hand painted motif of bright cheerful colors. The presentation was a tribute to the folk artistry of the nation. 

A favorite local teashop served on these dishes, and occasionally we saw random pieces in homes. The heavy curtain of drab enveloping all of life only served to intensify my desire to have this cheerful variety. But the possibility of owning an entire set was an outrageous goal. 

“Nie ma,” there is none, was the proverbial response to an inquiry about purchase. I discovered that these hand-painted dishes were released from the factory only once a year. When news leaked that a shipment had arrived, long lines formed outside the stores to purchase them. 

What to do?

“Pray about everything. Tell God your needs.” (Philippians 4:6 TLB) So, the desired Tea Set was entered as a line item on our prayer list. Life moved along. Classes, language lessons, and standing in line filled our days. All the while we consumed gallons (liters) of hot tea from the Tea Sets of others. 

Fast-forward a year. 

Larry and I traveled with our little girl to Poznań, a city in the far western part of the country. During a break in our clandestine meetings concerning our undercover mission, I strolled into the local Cepelia, a nationwide chain of folk art stores. I casually glanced into a roped-off corner in the back of the store, and my heart s. t. o. p. p. e. d. beating.

I stared in disbelief. What my eyes saw, what my heart desired, was being unpacked, piece by precious piece, the Tea Set, the Opole porcelain dishes. Yes! A quick survey confirmed that a complete Tea Set was in the inventory. And there was no line of humanity waiting! Unimaginable. 

But hold on. Why the rope? Why was access denied? This child of capitalism was puzzled.

Conversation with the store employees yielded frustration. Nothing would be available for purchase until every dish in every box was unpacked; end of discussion. Grrrrr….

I was not fluent in Polish, but I spoke shopping, and I got the message. The state-owned store was dictatorial and determined in its procedures. 

Anxiety threatened to overtake me. 

Perhaps closing time would come first!
Perhaps they would be finished unpacking and sold out before I returned with cash!
Perhaps they would not be available until Monday morning when I was kilometers away in my home on the other side of the country!

Perhaps…

Welcome to Communism.

Hastily, I turned on my heels and located Larry in the Old Town Square; hastily he made it to the bank before it closed on this Saturday afternoon; and hastily we together returned to the store. (Did I say hastily?)

Holding my breath, and trying to keep a reign on my heart, I shoved through the heavy glass and steel shop door. I stood on tiptoes and peered over the heads of the same shopkeepers and searched. Yes! There it stood. Unpacked and cleared for purchase, was our prayed-for Opole Tea Set. A miracle. Without delay, we completed the transaction, and we pushed back through the heavy glass and steel shop door, carefully carrying our Answer to Prayer. 

For years our Tea Set was used with joy. When not in service, the Tea Set stood in a place of honor. After all, this was no ordinary collection. This particular Tea Set was destined to serve much more than tea; it was set apart to serve as a reminder.

Did God care about a Tea Set? Yes.

Did God care about us? Yes.

Did God care about answering our prayers? Yes.

In this process, I gained much more than a Tea Set. I gained a realization of the Good Heart of God.

What On Earth Should I Do?

Making a Major Decision is a Major Part of Life

The large clock on the wall controlled my emotions and my appetite. I should have been savoring every morsel of the fresh grilled fish on my plate. I should have been anticipating my favorite dessert in Florida, Key Lime Pie. I should have been. But I was not…

I should have been took a back seat to the planned conversation. At the strike of 9:30 pm on this particular Sunday evening in July we would be on a conference call with our family to share our wonderful news with them. We had made a major decision, and we wanted our adult children to be the first to know. 

What we would do for the second half of our adult life was now a concrete commitment to join Athletes in Action International where Larry would become vice president of international ministries. Larry and I had been in a journey of waiting to discover God's sweet spot for us, and the waiting was over. Our enthusiasm for God’s Plan for the back nine had us pumped.

This decision was not made in a vacuum; no, quite the contrary. We were intentional with every step, and were prayerful over every opportunity.

Five Proven Principles for Making a Major Decision:

Making a Major Decision is a Major part of life. However, career choices and personal choices can be daunting. Below are my personal journal notes, which reflect our process.

Sunday, the 8th of July 2012, Cape Canaveral, Florida
Principles that are guiding us in this decision making process:

1. Passages: The Word of God
Life passages:
 Proverbs 3:5-6
 Mark 12:28-30
 Matthew 28:16-20
Fresh Passages:
Proverbs 4:18 "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, growing brighter and brighter till the full light of day." (Personal notation: I've been amazed that this was the anchor verse God used in calling us away from Eastern Europe, and it has also been the anchor verse He has used to call us to AIA.)
Isaiah 26:7-8 "The path of the righteous is level; O upright One, You make the way of the righteous smooth. Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your laws we wait for You; Your Name and Renown are the desires of our hearts." 
Isaiah 28:26 "His God instructs him and teaches him the right way."
Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a Voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  
Isaiah 49:6b "...that you may bring My salvation to the ends of the earth." (Great Commission in the Old Testament)
Isaiah 65:24 "Before they call I will answer. While they are still speaking I will hear."
Isaiah 66: 19 "They will proclaim My glory among the nations." (Great Commission in the Old Testament)
Jeremiah 6:16 "This is what the Lord says, Stand at the crossroads and look; Ask for the ancient paths; Ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."

2. Priorities:                                                                                                                                        Our personal life mission and vision: To have the chance to give every man, woman, boy and girl on planet earth at least one chance to hear the Good News that Jesus saves. Our spiritual DNA which embraces Leaders and Everyone.

3. Prayer:                                                                                                                                     Ongoing prayer
•    "Lord, lead us to what is best for Your glory and our good." 
•     Praying the prayer that always gets answered: "Thy will be done."
•    Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your Name be all the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness."
•    Kathy Coleman's, my sister-in-law, encouragement: " We will be praying for wisdom, that you might see where God wants you, and that His Answer be obvious and not hard to discern."
•    Karen Burroughs’, my friend, encouragement: "I am praying that it will be an easy decision because God will have so shaped your hearts' desires for the roles He leads you to."

4. People:                                                                                                                                        Godly counsel from people we know and trust
Our adult children                                                                                                                         Godly friends                                                                                                                                     Co-laborers                                                                                                                                     Like-minded confidants                                                                                                             Mentors: The Bill Lawrence Principle "Try the opportunity on like a suit of clothes. Walk around in it and see how it fits."                                                                                   

5. Providential Intervention:                                                                                                         Divine Alignment of all the above 

Journal entry ended.

There you have it. Confusion gives way to clarity and caution gives way to confidence. When we know what to do, we are set free to march ahead. Armed with eagerness and enthusiasm, we can embrace the next step in God’s will for our lives. I know we did.

Question: Is someone you know facing life at a crossroads? How will you advise them?